A genuine approach to communication: Building trust and avoiding mixed messages.

Communication between an adult and a child is a two way street. Responding to a child’s smile or when they are expressing their discomfort with a cry is one of the many ways adults recognize the communication tools of a child. Studies confirm how talking to a child from the very first day benefits them as they learn reading, writing and problem solving. Though adults are accustomed to using verbal language to communicate, children grow first up using body language and non-verbal communication. It is essential for adults to maintain consistency in their verbal and non-verbal communication to avoid confusions that might end up affecting a child.

A common way in which a child may be getting mixed messages is when adults change their voice to talk to a child. Adults may use baby talk to communicate with children because of tradition, cultural environments or simply out of emotion. Understanding what messages a child is receiving from such changes in an adult’s voice will be more apparent in the motivation behind doing so. Most commonly adults change their voice as a means of being warm and caring towards a child. A child will be able to read that they are being approached in this way so long as the love and affection is not expressed in an exaggerated or overwhelming way. Confusion arises when adults try to hide their obviously anxious or frustrated demeanor behind an insincere smile or a cute sounding voice. 

This often happens when something is very clearly wrong and, “for the sake of the baby” adults try to pretend everything is okay. A child who is constantly being shielded, through fake smiles and silly faces, from an uncomfortable situation will be confused and not know what to do. In cases when an adult is visibly upset, tired or angry they should, in an age appropriate manner, let a child present know. It is a means of communicating to the child that they too have the freedom to express any range of emotions when they feel them. It is not only happy or fun emotions that deserve attention and validation. Genuine interactions are what build trust between an adult and a child.

Parents are not always able to watch over their children and may have to turn to caregivers or daycares. Choosing who will be with their child is a matter of finding a person or institution parents feel they can truly trust. It is imperative that parents communicate to their children, in their words as well as demeanor, the respect, confidence and value they have for their caregiver. This will help the child feel secure when under their watch. Dismissive or condescending attitudes undermine any trust parents can hope their child will have with their caregiver. This not only affects the relationship between the caregiver and child, but it may also have an affect on how the child feels valued. Many times parents will see their children’s discomfort from a day with a caregiver or at a daycare for any number of reasons. In an effort to help their child overcome it, the parents may offer a treat or some sort of reward after the fact. If a child is communicated the message that they are being routinely placed in an uncomfortable setting by their parents they will lose both trust in the caregiver as well as confidence in their parents. When situations arise, at a daycare or with a caregiver where the child may not be as willing to go, the best approach for a parent is to address in a genuine manner what it is that is making the child uncomfortable and then assure them that they will be with someone they know and trust in a safe place. This sends the clear message to the child that the parents are in control of the situation and they can be free to enjoy the day. It is important to keep in mind that the process of development of children is affected by separation from parents. This is why sometimes from one day to the next a child may manifest a completely different attitude about being separated.

Children look to their parents as models for how they should behave(http://magdalenaspalencia.blogspot.com/2012/08/modeling-behavior-little-versions-of-us.html). Confusion arises for children when their same behavior at two different times provokes two completely different reactions. For example, if a parent gives a child a toy that makes noises, they will play with it and have fun watching the child discover and react to the different noises. After a while, more likely than not, the parents will grow less fond of that toy much faster than the child. Perhaps while on a phone call or after a hard days work, a child may suddenly feel the need to show their advanced understanding of volume with the toy. They could then be met with anger or disapproval. These moments can confuse a child who may not understand the full context of the situation. From the child’s perspective, what one day was so much fun for everyone, now inexplicably seems to be causing a problem. To help them to understand the differences, it is important to address briefly and simply how there are different times when it is better to do different things.

Children continuously learn by observing their parents and those around them. It is important to understand that this takes place at all times and during all interactions, even if it is not the intention of the adult. Keeping consistency between verbal communication and body language by genuinely interacting with children is the best way to communicate with a child and avoid confusion.

Modeling Behavior: Little Versions of Us.

From the moment they are born, children learn by observing their surroundings.  Those close to the child are constantly participating in the process of learning. Children will notice those around them and will use them as an example of how to model their behavior. Children will imitate or copy their parents, in the way they talk, gesture and conduct themselves. This critical process of learning, known as modeling, is continually happening and plays a significant role in the behavior of children.

Many parents lightheartedly refer to their children as little versions of themselves and from a modeling perspective this holds true. Parents delight in seeing their best qualities reflected in the behavior of their children. Parent, on the other hand may fail to recognize when a child’s behavior reflect those traits they are not as proud of. Parents are the continuous example of behavior for the child and as such, should at all times reflect in their behavior the example they want their child to follow.

Modeling good examples for children will not immediately mark a turning point in the child’s behavior. Observing, interpreting and then applying what they are exposed to is a process that takes time. This is why patience and consistency are essential tools for parents to use in helping to modify their child’s behavior. When a child grows up in an environment with consistency in their routines, in the rules that are used within the family and how they are talked to, it gives the child a sense of security. Children who grow in an environment with consistency are more relaxed. They will feel comfortable with the rhythm in which they eat, sleep and play in. Keeping this in mind, parents who are looking to adjust a certain behavior will do so best by modeling the behavior they seek to instill in their child in the context of a routine.

A simple way to see the value of consistency and modeling at work is when parents teach their children to greet others. Often when visiting friends or relatives, no matter what age, children are subject to an accelerated course in greeting etiquette the moment before the doorbell is rung. Then, when they forget to say or wave goodbye they will either be forced into the arms of another person or will have their arm violently waved for them, and yet they will not change the next time around. Suddenly placing all these expectations an instant before a new or irregular interaction will only feed insecurity and anxiety. On the other hand, a child who always sees their parents greet friends, strangers and co-workers and is, within their routine, shown and patiently explained the importance of greeting will recognize acknowledging and greeting people as a part of the routine of interaction.

Considering the role modeling plays in a child’s life, parents should expect other persons who will spend time with their children to exhibit the kind of behavior they wish to see reflected in their child. This is perhaps one of the most important things for parents to keep in mind when seeking  a caregiver. They should not only be a trusted professional, but should exhibit habits and values that are in line with those of the family. There is no understating the importance of this. Studies suggest that the demeanor or mental condition, such as depression, of a caregiver can greatly affect a child.
It is important to consider that a child never stops looking to their parents for examples on how to model their own behavior. This may cause many parents to reflect on how an outside observer would perceive their own interaction with other people. This is where children pick up traits such as courage, integrity, conviction, but also, arrogance condescension, entitlement. Children perceive nuances in the behavior of their parents. Taking pride in hard work and setting goals are some traits parents may unknowingly instill in their children through their own attitude towards life, without having to resort to a major lecture. Similarly, the subtleties of some of grown up interactions can also resonate with a child. For example, if a parent treats a child's caregiver differently than they do a friend or relative, it is left to the child to try to make sense of why some people should be treated better than others. When parents choose to talk a housekeeper, who may not have the means to refuse a little extra work, into also caring for their child they are instilling in their child the benefits of taking advantage others. When children grow up looking at the brand of clothing of their peers before deciding to befriend them it should come as no surprise that for a major part of their upbringing they were cared for by someone more concerned with the superficial. Clearly these traits are not picked up from one day to another, but children will look for patterns and consistency even in their parents interactions to find behavior to model.

Parents are often concerned that to be a good model, they have to become a completely different person when the child is around. However, it is impossible to be two completely different people and even at an early age children can perceive this. Some studies have found that children begin to communicate by reading facial expressions and can notice the difference between a genuine smile and one that is hiding pain. For this reason it is important parents exhibit authenticity in their interactions.

In an effort to protect their children from discomfort or even sadness, parents will remove themselves completely from the vicinity of the child to have their adult conversation. Obviously, the more lively, animated or serious the situation the further removed they will be from the child. Clearly it is healthy to keep a child away from an adult interaction, but when parents then try to act as if nothing happened in front of the child they end up confusing the child. They may become even more frustrated at not be capable of hiding emotion as well as the example their parents set, or even worse they could develop that as their defense mechanism. In these situations it is best to patiently and in an age appropriate manner address when there is something out of the ordinary happening and the child will be alright.

Sometimes children are witness to either very intense or emotional situations such as an unexpected shouting match or a tragedy. Especially in these cases, it is important to address what is happening and reassure children things are under control and it will pass. This model for the child they can gain control even in a difficult situation. Often children will experience the more animated side of emotions, such as anger, disappointment or even extreme happiness. It is important to keep in mind children can be overwhelmed by good emotion as much as bad emotion and both may result in frustration and tears because they are not yet familiar with how one controls or understands those emotions. A child will pay close attention to how their parents act when they are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed with emotion. In short, a parent who slams a door in anger will inevitably have a tiny set of hands slam one on them. For this reason, it is important to address the existence of negative of really intense emotions when it is a good time and in an appropriate manner instead of trying to hide them.

Understanding the effect of modeled behavior on children, parents can take advantage when it comes time for any change. This is especially important to keep in mind when parents realize there is something they are accustomed to doing they want to either change or adjust to help their child. This often happens when families switch to a healthy diet or try to establish firmer boundaries and limits. In these circumstances it is important to first notify the child that there will be a change and what the change will be. Then, as parents model the routines and stick with them, the child will ease into the transition.

As a point of clarification, it is important to always keep in mind the age and level of development of a child. To address a situation to a child means explaining something to them in manner appropriate to their level. They may not even have the capacity to process and understand things such a death, promotions or travel, but by consistently presenting these things in a patient and consistent manner as they arise a child will become more comfortable with their own ability to deal with different kinds of change. Parents who acknowledge the degree to which their own behavior influences their child may be concerned that they should shoot for a Nobel Prize so as not to set a bad example for their child, should take comfort in the fact knowing learning from your mistakes is one of the most significant lessons they can be model. You are who you are. It is, of course, important to note there is no better time to make a positive change in life than when the consequences of your actions affect the formation of a new person.

References:
http://extension.missouri.edu/explorepdf/hesguide/humanrel/gh6115.pdf
http://www.marshfieldnewsherald.com/article/20120706/MNH04/207060367/Column-Caregivers-aid-early-childhood-brain-development

Crawl Before You Walk: More Than Just a Saying.

One of the most common childhood milestones used by parents to initiate conversation is walking. Despite the progress that infants make every day, such as opening their eyes, recognizing people, or turning their heads in the direction of familiar voices, gross motor skills (walking, rolling over, etc.) seem to be the favorite subject of these conversations. While it is impossible to ignore the sense of accomplishment on a child's face as they take their first steps, many parents try to rush their child to this milestone and end up ignoring the importance of crawling to their child's development.

The speed at which a child develops certain skills is incorrectly perceived by many as a measure of their intelligence. In particular when parents see other children of the same age walking while their child is still not, they may worry that their child is somehow behind. It is true that the study of different cultures throughout history shows that the development of motor skills in children is predictable and follow a sequence, however the time frame for these stages is unique to each child. For this reason, parents should always keep in mind that children can only be expected to develop at their own pace. Parents who recognize that there is more than meets the eye happening during the crawling stages, will be more patient and understanding of the pace of their child's development.

All motor skills are important and the development of them requires time. This processes does not occur from one day the next. Turning their head to one side prepares them to see objects that call their attention. This leads to them learning to reach, grab and grip objects that catch their attention. All these skills require time and practice. A child who is given the opportunity to move freely will develop these skills little by little on their own because they have been given the trust and opportunity to practice. Through using different parts of their body such as twitching their legs or extending their arms out periodically children are

exercising both their physical and mental ability to be able to roll over for the very first time. Because it is such a clear example of one of the first things a child does on their own, rolling over for the first time is a milestone that many parents remember fondly in the same way they will recall their child opening their eyes for the first time. In these cases parents do not feel like they have to rush their children to hit these milestones because “teaching” a child to roll over or open their eyes makes no sense. Parents should continue to exercise this level of consideration for their child's ability to learn on their own when it comes to the crawling stage because of the many skills that are being developed during this time.

Parents should be especially patient throughout this stage because crawling is the external reflection of all of the different ways in which a child is internally developing. Throughout this stage a child is learning to use their eyes, ears, arms, hands and legs all in unison and coordinated with each other. As they learn to use the different parts of their body in unison, they begin to learn and perfect their balance. This is a reflection of the strengthening of the connection between the two hemispheres of their brain. This connection is what enables the child to master their hand-eye coordination from when they begin to spoon feed themselves to later in life when they may become involved in a sport. Parents who assume that, after a short period of crawling, a child is ready to be taught to walk, either by a parent holding them up or a walker, are actually undermining their child’s ability to develop naturally.

Crawling literally shapes the way that children see the world. During this time learn to calculate distances between themselves and objects that they want to reach for, a sign that they are developing their binocular vision. Through crawling children explore their environment through their own initiative and this directly leads to them developing their peripheral vision. Children will also be able to try to tell the height and volume of objects at a distance as well as differentiate between which objects can move and which ones are stationary. A child will train their vision to focus on a distance of 30-40 cm, which is the distance that it is recommended a child place a book when they are learning to read and write.

In addition to the way they see their environment, they are able to experience the difference in the texture and temperature of different surfaces. At such a young age the amount of sensory experiences a child has is directly related to greater brain development. This does not always occur in the most obvious ways, for example crawling has been linked to a child's ability to foster the abstract thinking skills that will help them better understand subjects such as science and mathematics. Even the understanding of language is affected during the crawling stage as they learn to use both ears at the same time (binaural hearing).

Instead of trying to rush their child into walking, parents can help them develop naturally by facilitating them throughout this stage in several different ways. An adult should be present with the child by remaining at a nearby, not necessarily always engaged with the child, but close enough so that the child feels safe and comfortable. Children should be allowed a safe and clean area big enough for the child to be able to move freely. Emmi Pickler stressed that an area larger than a crib is recommended for the child to be in for extended periods of time because the “opportunity to move” is just as important as “when they want to.” (Sensory Awareness Foundation Bulletin Number 14 with excerpts from Emmi Pikler’s first book.) This area could contain a small amount of age-appropriate clean toys that the child can play with, reach for and safely put in their mouth. Children should be dressed in comfortable clothing that allows for them to move freely be it inside or outside. A couple of big blankets limited by some kind of physical boundary on most outdoor surfaces can provide a clean and safe area for a child to crawl. It is important for parents to keep in mind that as a child is learning new skills, they are constantly practicing and mastering those they already know. Respecting a child's crawling stage gives them the opportunity to make an effort to get what they want to reach, or go where they want to go. This effort might be challenging or even frustrating for them, but it gives them the satisfying feeling of, “I did it all by myself.”

References:
"What's going on in there" How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years. Lise Eliot, Ph.D. Bantam 1999

El Gateo  Carlos Manuel Jimenez Treviño
Editorial Trillas S.A. De C.V January  2010

Wisdom of the body Moving (an Introduction to Body- Mind Centering
Linda Hartley, Berkeley Ca. 1994

http://www.rieperu2021.com/gateo-incremeta-desarrollo-neurologico/

Sensory Awareness Foundation Bulletin Number 14 with excerpts from Emmi Pikler’s first book. Winter 1994